its a typical situation…

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I have come to the conclusion that not only have I been playing the game wrong, I haven’t even been playing.  I’m over ten years out of school and still not in management yet.  That is not good.  You see, I have always had an us vs. them mentality when it comes to management.  Not only that, but I also get involved with office gossip and politics.  This time, it has bit me in the ass.

You see kids (this is assuming my kids are reading this blog waaaaay in the future) mommy messed up.  You have to play the corporate game and follow the rules to make more money and have the better schedule.  Because your mommy wanted every one to be her friend, she’s lost money AND she has a terrible rotating crappy schedule.  Not only that, I’m very unfulfilled in my career.  Yes, there are other things that I love, but I did invest eight years of school for this particular career.  My plan, kiddos, is to invest in another 18-24 months for a management post grad degree.  I need it more than anyone.  

Yes, I do believe deep down that I have the capability to manage people; however, where I would fail today is in not being perceived as a leader.

1.  I must stop dressing as everyone else on the job, and I actually need to step it up quite a bit.  No more old scrubs… more black slacks and blouses.  Time to look the part.  If you look it, you are perceived as it.

2.  No more gossip.  This has always been the thing that I struggle the most with.  I guess it could be worse, though of course in God’s eyes it’s all the same, but I’m not addicted to pills or alcohol.  Just gossip.  Criticism.  That sort of thing.  It is really a bad thing to be addicted to.  Not only is it super easy to be critical of everyone, that makes me critical of myself.  Which lowers my self-esteem further.  You see, that’s part of the problem.  I just can’t seem to get there.  BUT I’m working on it every single day.

3.  Confidence.  Tons of it.  Not to the point of arrogance, but confidence.  This means not biting my nails or cuticles.  This means walking with my head high.  This means eye contact to a fault.  I will keep my eyes up and I will not avert them.  This is HUGE for me.

4.  Back to school.  I need organizational behavior training.  I need team training.  MBA it is.

So you see, I have a plan in place.  My plan is to be in a management position within five years.  That means by the time my son is almost 9, I should be there.  Perfect timing for sports, better schedule, better money, and hopefully a better place.  Same for my sweet daughter.  I want to make this sacrifice now for them.  It’s really about quality of life in all of this.

 

More to come.  And if you have tips for me to learn how to be a manager… please leave me comments.  I love comments and respect all your wisdom!

facebook

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I have a friend on facebook who really bothers me.  She is not only working a full-time job, she also has a side job in photography.   She doesn’t pay taxes.  She doesn’t have a legal business, but she has many sessions every week.  She has young children that probably equate motherhood to working.  And never being home.  Now her idea is to do a fitness competition in the spring.  So now its all that and that she spends most moments on facebook.  So I am annoyed.

Facebook has become that place where dusty acquaintances from high school reside.  The same students that made fun of me in junior high.  Old boyfriends who never were serious.  Old coworkers who haven’t kept in touch and stalkers.

Why is it so hard for me just to defriend and move on?

This is a goal. 

good management

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A good manager will not only think about his/her decisions affecting his/her entire department.  He/she (from now on “she” since that is who I am referring to) will think about her decisions affecting her employees directly.  I have had to learn the lesson of bad managers solely by experiencing them.  From one manager asking me out of the blue what I was “thinking about” to the manager who stood looking over my shoulder telling me what haldol was for (he was a retail pharmacist and my background was in infusion and hospital) it’s been a tough road.  All the way to TODAY.

I should have been posting about what a wonderful Thanksgiving it was.  That I drove to see my grandmother hours away, etc…; however, my manager decided to send a one on one meeting request on November 23rd with no details, and considering that we never have those types of meetings, it has to be serious.  So the trip to see my grandmother was canceled.  My sister-in-law canceled her trip to see us, all in all I just worried and didn’t sleep thinking about all the changes that are coming down the pike.

I have no real control over this and normally not having control is what gets me in such a tizzy.  I worry, think of options, etc… but in all of this I’m learning some major lessons in patience.  Keep in mind, a manager should never do this.  She could have very well asked for the meeting AFTER Thanksgiving.  Yesterday sent the request.  Instead, she ruined my holiday.  She ruined my coworkers’ holidays who have meetings as well.  And then she decided to add one more person to the meeting putting together an even more intimidating situation.  Three vs. one.

I have no rights honestly.  There’s nothing I can do but just trust that God somehow will find this situation important enough to intervene.  I mean, heck, this manager told me after threatening to suspend me for emailing her boss once (I emailed her as well) that she starts every single day on her knees because she is a woman of prayer.  Or whatever.  I tend to believe that people speak they are a woman or man of God by the LIVES, not their words.  Their actions.  Her actions have included so many different things… the first being asking me on the phone to watch someone else on the computer to see if he was actually working.  Stuff like that.

But where have I failed?  Always look inward because there is something there that needs to be learned.

1.  I share too much with managers.  I tell them my private stuff.  I tell them the daycare stuff.  I tell them about my kids.  I tell them about my husband’s job and schedule.  I OVERSHARE.  All in all when you do this you set yourself up for trouble.  You become blacklisted a lot more easily because you have given them ammunition.

2.  I have gossiped too much with coworkers.  I vent too much.  I tell them how disappointed I am.  I tell them how I can’t believe manager did this or that… and can you believe this?  Negativity breeds negativity… though I will add there would be nothing to talk about if managers did their jobs correctly.

3.  I always say yes.  Don’t always say yes.  Say no sometimes.  Do a perfect job but say no.  Don’t always give in.  It’s not like it’s even going to matter.  In fact just a couple of weeks ago I pulled some late shifts and was told I would get a jewel in my crown.  Fast forward a few days later…  The jewel is nothing more than a change in jobs.  The favor is already forgotten.

4.  Decide right now if you are a mother if you are wanting to advance your career or sacrifice it all and stay at home.  Don’t settle for mediocre on either.  I have settled in wanting more face time with my kids; however here I sit on a day off from work and blogging merely because I’m so frustrated.  I should have been enjoying today consciously but in fact not because I’m so stressed out.

5.  Don’t stay in a job with a manager who is bad for over 2 years.  I’m at the 2.5 year mark.  Looks like she is going nowhere.  Looks like I should.

6.  Don’t fight.  What’s the point?  I have already ruined my chances at any advancement with my current company.  In fact I’m just one of the blacklisted.  What a crappy place to be in.

7.  Go back to school.

I highly recommend going back to school.  In fact, that’s my plan.

I want out of here.  :(

{9 mos old and almost 3}

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Baby girl can almost crawl.  She scoots herself across the floor with a combo logrolling to make it to me.  She says nana, mama, dada, and is still co-sleeping.  Yikes.  Guessing her at 22 lbs.  She eats everything.  She loves to be held.  Hubby does little kisses all over her face to calm her.  Her feet are darling.  She wears 18 mos. 

Baby boy is almost three.  I struggle with the idea of him in daycare.  I like his teachers now.  He loves to sing, knows his abc’s, counts to twenty, and sings Jesus loves me.  He puts himself in time out.  Still a picky eater.  He says “I love you Mama” now.  He still sleeps great.  He kisses baby sister.  He chases the new dog all over the house.

I need to blog more.  I really want a lot to read when I get old and the kids move away!! 

I lost my bff, a dog, on Valentine’s day.  Found out at 10am he had cancer, and we put him to sleep at 2pm.  I did not want him to suffer.  I’m devastated.  Even now, I just hurt.  Right now I’m thinking I should have spent more time with him.  I should have been a better dog mom.

{a shift}

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Yes, it’s time.  Time for a shift.  Time to finally start to write that book I’ve always wanted to write.  A good friend from the past, my librarian in fact, found me (or maybe I found her) on Facebook.  I always wondered what happened to her.  She impacted mylife.  It’s funny the things you remember about a person… little snippets of their life, things that you would never think a person would remember about you.  She remembers me being logical.  Oh gosh, me … logical?  Right-brained, unorganized me?  That’s what she said.  Is she remembering the right girl?  She remembers someone organized.  Logical.  I’m at a loss for words.  Am I in denial about who I really am?  Who am I?

I laugh because she may be on to something.  I’ve gotten into photography in a big way and would share here except for the fact that the majority of my work is me and family.  I try hard.  I try hard to keep this anonymous.  With that said, there will be no photo sharing.  If you are REALLY interested, message me.  Maybe I’ll send you a link.  I’m not that good at photography, but I’m getting damn good at the technicals.

Oh crap.  The technical part of photography.  The part I notice first.  Yes… the red channel is blown, ma’am.  Your white balance is way off.  I used to never see those things.  I would just see the smile on the baby, or the love between the man and woman.  Things have changed.  I believe I see the technical things first, and then I may enjoy the composition and “love” like the cherry on the top of a banana split.  The banana split HAS to be there… white balance, exposure, etc…  you can have all the cherries you want but it won’t be a banana split.  OK, cheezy analogy that is making me hungry in my lactation state ;)

Maybe I am technical.  Logical.  Organized.

All I know is this.  A challenge has been issued.  Write the book that you would want to write before you die.  Regardless of who reads it.  Regardless if it is ever published.  I have got to read my librarian’s book.  That’s next on the list.

Stay tuned.  I’m going to start.  Here.

a seven month old + an almost 3 year old = chaos

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That’s right.  Chaos.  I’m living it.  I’m sitting here frantically typing trying to get a thought on this blog with the moment I have before the seven month old decides to tell me she’s tired of swinging, her nap is over thankyouverymuch.  I’m trying hard.

My son is putting himself in timeout rather than having his fit.  It’s classic

My daughter is now sitting up, smiling, laughing, and is the biggest baby I’ve ever seen in person.  She’s freaking huge.  I love every single roll and love to mess with her cheeks – blowing on them.

My son is amazing.  He is out of the class in daycare and in a new one that is much better.  He seems happier.

My nanny is the bomb.  She does the laundry and more importantly treats my daughter like an angel.  I love working and hearing her jibber jabber.

I will be back for more.  There’s so much more to share.  I’m enjoying this ride.  It’s the best.

P.S.  I may be having a spinal fusion in 2011.  I hope not but it’s becoming a big possibility.

{daycare and my son}

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I feel like I’m running some sort of strange experiment on my son.  He’s going on three, but in daycare since May.  I have watched gradually as his behavior is going downhill.  He’s no longer the sweet son that would mind me but is turning into a more violent sort of child.  I’m so crushed at the moment.  If I could go back or say anything to anyone it would be DON’T DO DAYCARE unless you KNOW they are good.  Unless they have cameras where you can watch.  I knew that little boy that is in there – the son of a former NFL player – is quite aggressive.  His best friend Jaxon is aggressive… it was just a matter of time until my little boy emulated their behavior.  I know that I may sound like the parent that would believe NOTHING bad would ever happen to their son… surely HE isn’t capable of such bad behavior.  I know I sound like that, but his teacher C basically has no nututring skills and I can hardly bear to look at her.  Here I turning over my son to her.  I’m crushed.  My husband is NOT on board with me and just telling me it’s PEER PRESSURE.
TWO YEAR OLDS AND PEER PRESSURE?  GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will regret this one day.  I will regret that I put my job and everything over my kids.  I will regret this.  I need to do something.  He is changing classes soon unfortunately with Jaxon but hopefully I will see a turnaround.  I have ordered a time out chair.  I just don’t know what to do.

So lost.  Need help.  Feel like a failing parent.

Daycare sucks.  Lately I suck too :(

{What they said was true}

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I have very little time to blog with two kids and a full-time job.  Help me find the time!

Let’s talk about my little girl.  She is almost five months old.  That’s right.  FIVE months old.  I cannot believe that the time has already pointed to not only THIS but the fact that winter is almost here.  I hate winter.  Ewee is already smiling, laughing, rolling over both ways, eating baby food daily, having major blowouts, still sleeping in the bed with us (ha!), laid back, easy easy, beautiful, smiles as though she needs dentures, touches her toes, has been in her bouncy for weeks now, has a nanny now (hooray!), gets kissed constantly, loves watching her brother Ook, loves to soak in her little tub, and so forth.  How is it possible to love two kids the same?  It’s possible.

Ook, her older brother of 2.5 years old loves our iPod touches, loves Cars the movie, loves The Incredibles, Nemo, and Up.  “Balloon Go Up!”  He loves to put his two little hands on the sides of my face, stare deeply into my eyes with his baby blues and say, “I love you Momma.  More than the moon and stars.”  I don’t know where he got the moon and stars part, but oh my.  Talk about wrapping his mother around his finger already.  I’m wrapped.  He dressed as Nemo on Halloween and called himself “Meemo!”  He is saying, “Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me some to eat.”  LOL  He says his prayers at night.  “Dear God.  Thank you for good day.  Thank you for momma, dada, baby shisher, fweo, Pate, Jake, Nanna, Piepow, aunt M and cousin P.”  Sometimes I feel guilty that my brother isn’t in his prayers.  Maybe he should be though he has still has estranged himself from us.  I probably should.  That way should my brother ever decide he’d like to know his niece and nephew, they’ll know his name.  Maybe I should do the picture thing too.  Wouldn’t it be nice of me to do that?

Sometimes though I feel like I should just pretend he doesn’t exist as he does me.  But that’s not the right thing to do.

I have no time.  What they said was true.  I do have some blog entries that I did in the past silence to catch up… just need to post them.

Happy Thursday!

{15 weeks}

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Can someone stop time?  Again I find myself on the same rollercoaster I was on with my son.  The rollercoaster that never stops for time never takes a break.  I find myself gazing at my daughter’s face, memorizing that she is now laughing and smiling at me.  Watching her sleep.  Listening to her grunts with her pacifier as she doesn’t go to sleep so peacefully.  Sneaking her at work at home, which I shouldn’t be doing, but so far so good.  Still completely co-sleeping which means waking up next to her every single morning.  Most mornings my back is killing me from laying on my side while nursing from about 3am – 6am off and on.  Still not sleep deprived.  Seriously recommend co-sleeping if you follow the rules.  I have to say I really enjoy it.  I cannot see getting her out of the bed anytime soon which means I really need to keep the hubby happy.  Any ideas?  LOL

{12 weeks/maternity leave over}

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I’m back to work.  Yuck.  But, I am doing something I shouldn’t be doing.  I’m keeping my daughter here with me.  Yep.  I’m doing it.  I just can’t drop her off at a daycare, and I haven’t found a nanny.  I really miss our son’s nanny we had in the other city.  I’ve tried to call her twice and she hasn’t answered.  I leave messages, but I don’t hear back.  It’s rather disheartening.  I feel sort of bad about it actually.  I think I am going to try just one more time and then just give up.  I do wish her well.  She’s 65 years old and was so good to my son.

Our daughter is now 12 weeks old.  She laughs and smiles and coos at me.  She gets mad when she is not the center of attention, but that’s normal for a baby.  She probably weighs close to 15 lbs if not more.  I need to weigh her and see.  She is HUGE.  Seriously a big chunky, full of rolls, baby.  She’s got a little “v” at the top of her forehead that sort of mimics a widow’s peak.  Her eyes are steely blue like our son’s were.  She has rolls at her wrists and feet.  She’s predictable.  We have a routine.  Let’s just hope it stays consistent and that I don’t lose my job over this.  Seriously I’ve stressed about it quite a bit.  I need to start searching for a nanny, but in the meantime… status quo.  How hard is it to breastfeed on a boppy while typing, change diapers, and awake time do some lap time and/or bouncy chair/floor mat, swing, etc…  So far so good.  Maybe I’m trying to convince myself I’m doing the right thing.

I’m thinking the quack down in FL wanting to burn the Quran is an idiot.

Football season is back. Yay!

I am super proud of my mother who has started a healthy diet.  She’s eating tofu and exercising and hoping that she loses the weight.  I really think it’s what makes her so negative around me at times.  She doesn’t want to do anything but sit on Facebook and avoid the outdoors.  The other day she was visiting and the weather was PERFECT.  She walked out into the garage and went back in and said she wasn’t going to the park with us.  I went back in and told her that she should go outside before making a decision like that.  She ended up going and thanks us for telling her to go outside and feel the weather.  Strange huh?

Our son is doing well.  He’s 29 months old.  I took him to daycare today and it was so hard leaving him.  In the van he said, “I want to go home.”  Tears me up.  He has three very good teachers that I think a lot of.  One of them, “A” seems to really dote on him more than the others.  Maybe it’s only when hubby and I are there?  Not sure.  But today I watched him from the van walking from the classroom to the playground holding “A’s” hand.  I teared up.  There’s my baby.  He’s growing up.  I wish I could give him today, but I have to “wort.”  (as he says).

He loves our iTouches.  Hubby and I both have one, and he really loves playing with it.

He just found YouTube.  Watch out world.